December 18, 2017 (This is the date I originally wrote this post. But, in full disclosure, I edited some of the sentiments later in January to more accurately reflect my experience. But, I digress.)
Let’s start with a theoretical situation.
Theoretical Situation – A woman was on her deathbed. There was one drug that the doctors thought might save her. There was a pharmacy in the town that had this life-saving drug but was selling it at 10 times the production cost. The woman’s husband had tried to raise the money to pay for this drug, but only was able to come up with half of the cost. He asked the pharmacy if there was any way that he could buy the drug for cheaper or even set up a payment plan to pay for it overtime. The pharmacy refused, saying the price should not change for any one person, and that the payment plan was not a viable option. Later that evening, the husband broke into the pharmacy and stole the drug anyway for his wife.*
Personal reflection. What do you think about this? Why? Now hold on to that. What if I told you that I was the pharmacy in this specific case? Does that change your mind? I’m going to try my best to express my thoughts on this topic as I continue to explore it myself.
Real Situation – On December 15, 2017, (a) robber(s) overcame a number of security measures, broke into my house, and stole quite a bit from my roommate and I.
Fact – There are people everywhere in Mozambique who live below the poverty level. Some World Health Organization projections place more than 70% of Mozambicans living below the poverty line.** Pebane, in specific, is one of the poorest districts in the country. As such, I’m left to assume many people here can be faced with the tough question of “How do I feed my family?” Though I know many people here are not “starving” per se, (most people have access to rice or the Mozambican version of grits) the people of Pebane struggle with malnutrition, which surely affects other aspects of their lives such as work, school, personal interactions with people, etc. Now, the better fitting question might be, “How do I afford the food that will really help my family grow and succeed?”
Fact – The total amount of goods stolen from Ari and I combined was roughly $4,500 USD. For reference, my entire living allowance – which should cover food, transportation, electricity, clothing, etc. – for 1 full year at the same socioeconomic level as a Mozambican teacher (who is often more well off in the community) is roughly $2,000 USD. If these statements are true, how can I blame my community for thinking I am simply being greedy? The truth is that I live at a level much higher than many people here. I can’t deny that.
Analogy – Robin Hood is seen as the hero of his story. And, truthfully, it’s hard sometimes to not accuse myself of being Robin Hood’s unjust king who is refusing to help out the community. How can I expect every member of my community to see me as a volunteer who left behind the opportunity to begin working for my own posterity to come help in a Mozambican school if they only see me for my material possessions? And, even if they were to understand that I’m giving up a lot to be here, why should they care about my opportunity cost when they have immediate needs to fill?
Taking all of this into account, being robbed sucks. Plain and simple.
Feeling – Heartbroken. That is the one single word I can use to describe how I am feeling right now. In more words, I feel betrayed. I feel anxious. I feel violated. I feel angry. I feel upset. I feel sad. I feel worried. I feel unsafe. I feel frustrated. And, at any moment, I could feel any different combination of all of these.
Opinion – Despite all of this, you might have also been thinking to yourself something along the lines of, “But John, you’re cutting these robbers a lot of slack, dontcha think?”
Response – You’re right. I am. A good PCV friend recently told me, “when faced with situations like this, you can take the path of grace or the path of frustration and anger.” I am trying to choose to give these people the benefit of the doubt. I am trying to choose to convince myself that these robbers had an urgent need and that their own country’s system is failing at providing alternative methods to meet that need. I am trying to choose to believe that these robbers weren’t stealing just to buy a new T.V. or other luxury item. Each day, I am trying to choose to believe that losing some of my mental stability is bringing some good (even if only temporarily). I am trying to choose these beliefs because I have to in order to restore my sense of security and continue serving my community well this next year. I keep saying trying, because I don’t choose the path of grace in every interaction. Often, I still choose the path of frustration. I can’t help it. Sometimes, everything becomes too much. All the positive intent that I’m assuming goes out the window. I get angry with or mistrusting of an innocent member of my community. They don’t deserve that. But, I’ll get better each day at this balancing act. I hope that I will learn to choose to use these vulnerabilities to open up even more to my community rather than shutting them out.
Silver Lining – Honestly, I think I have taken a couple hard hits in a row, and I’m left to find ways to put the pieces of myself back together. I take solace in finding out that my breaking point is much further away than I imagined (and who knows it might be even further). I’m still not completely recovered. But, I know that I can recover. And the knowledge of this resiliency… it’s liberating.
Summary – It’s all very complicated and I am still processing it. I’m trying to continuously give the benefit of the doubt, and I am thankful for the support I have received from Peace Corps and my friends and family both American and Mozambican. I feel many fluctuating emotions, at any given time. These feelings culminate to a single statement, “Right now, I’m not okay”. And that’s okay. I know this isn’t forever.
* This theoretical situation comes from Kohlberg’s theory of moral development. It is known as the Heinz Dilemma.
** World Health Organizations summary of Mozambique
I thought I would leave these links here not only to reference my sources, but for you all to look into these ideas more if you wanted too!
MOZ likely to sunburn 